Part 2 of a special guest post by an anonymous movie star who is married to a famous musician. With a teeny bit of help from Mid 30s Life. If you missed Part 1, click here.
I’m early thanks to some sensational time management, so I’m waiting for the school gate to open. I pretend to recognise the other parents, and of course they all know who I am.
While waiting, I chat to one lady who is always very pleasant. She is dressed for comfort – how sweet! So we’re making conversation, and I say to her, “It must be so liberating to not care about looking good.” She looks at me strangely. Then I realise: her sensible shoes… the fact that she’s staring at me with her mouth hanging open…oh god… she’s in love with me! Bless. I honestly had no idea I appealed to lesbians. I’m just telling her I own a Melissa Etheridge CD when the gate opens. Saved!
I take the children into their classrooms. No matter how extremely busy my day is, I always take the time to say goodbye to them in person rather than by text. I think all parents should. For some reason Lemon is anxious for me to leave – I think she senses the animal lustiness coming from the lesbian in my direction. A child’s intuition is a marvel isn’t it?
Thaawtsof’s teacher is pregnant so, despite how rushed I am, I make a point of telling her about chants that will stretch her perenium. She is so appreciative of my tips. She went away before I could tell her the name I came up with for her baby, sort of like a present. Her favourite movie is Oklahoma! so I was thinking of the name ‘Chicks and Ducks and Geese Better Scurry.’ Amazing isn’t it?!
I leave and oblige the waiting paparazzi. It doesn’t take long and you never know, that photographer might need the money for his grandmother’s life-saving operation. So in a way, having my photo taken could save a life. I’d never thought of that before. I’ve been having so many profound thoughts lately, maybe I should write a book. It could be like Fergie’s Things I Know Now. That was just so intelligent. She’s clearly a genius.
It’s yet another busy day so I race home and check today’s to-do list. I’ve got the children to school on time, so I can already tick one thing off. Satisfying! My hair stylist is ill today so I have to do my own hair. I know, nerve-wracking stuff, so I’ll push that aside for now and decide on the next item I’ll be ticking off:
– Write a list of next week’s family meals for Sharonista to prepare
Right! I have my menu spreadsheet open and it’s down to business. It’s so hard isn’t it, getting all the groceries in and preparing fresh, tasty meals every day? Watching Sharonista do it is exhausting. Although I have a serious bone to pick with her at the moment: I suspect she has been using STOCK CUBES in my childrens’ meals. Why not just shove a salt mine down their throats? Why not give them commercial breakfast cereal, or white bread? It is vile. Vile, vile, vile!!
I don’t know anyone who feeds their children processed food, do you? My children eat food as nature intended. Sometimes what is on their plate looks like it was swept up from the forest floor, and that’s the way it should be. I know macrobiotic food can be a challenge for busy mummies, but it’s so worth it when at birthday parties they point to a chocolate crackle and go “What on earth is that?” Inside I’m just brimming with happiness, going “Ner ner ner-ner nerrrr… my kids have never seen this junk before! I am amazing!”
So the best advice I can offer you is this: pay someone to make all the meals for you. It is such a time saver.