You see, we mortals live here on Planet Earth. It’s a fabulous, wonderful place with everything you could possibly want.
Famous people, also known as celebrities (not sure who is celebrating what?), do not live on Planet Earth. They are in a magical, mystical place known as La-La Land. And good luck to them.
There are occasions of interplanetary mingling, but all in all that’s the way it is and it works pretty well.
Cue a recent interview with Scary Spice and her hot-blooded husband. Let’s call him Mr Spice. I have never met either of them, they are probably good people who love dogs and doorknock for the Salvos.
But if you were wanting proof of the aforementioned parallel universe, last Sunday’s News of the World interview is pretty conclusive. And highly entertaining. Let’s see…
The interview includes a photoshoot of the two of them together. The writer notes that throughout the interview, Mr Spice is forever “grunting, grinding her from behind or dry-humping her leg.” The photos back this up with plenty of eyes-closed writhing and general good taste. The author talks about feeling uncomfortable as Mr Spice crawls on top of his wife, “breathing heavily, his hands mauling her thighs.”
Mr Spice is clearly pretty proud of himself, “the other weekend, I think we set a world record. She literally had me tapping out til I had nothing left.”
His wife helpfully points out, “And we did it on a flight over to London recently… I trust him to be faithful because he’s so worn out he wouldn’t have the energy to do it with anyone else.”
Of course the interview concludes with the obligatory “We’re a normal, busy family.”
Now I think it’s great when people are… ummm… pleased. But let’s pretend you are being interviewed with your partner for a national newspaper. Would you really dry-root in front of the photographer? Or tell the writer you’re in the Mile High Club?
This is the part where I say “I’m not a prude” and I assure you I’m not, but puh-lease. The world does not need to know what couples get up to at home / in public toilets / on planes. Did you hear me, inhabitants of La-La Land? By all means, go for it. Just try, for the rest of us, to keep it to yourselves.