Outsmarting the Heathrow Injection

With enthusiasm far outweighing ability, I’ve joined the gym.  I’ve bought gym-friendly clothes which are too small of course, because I will shrink and fit them.  In the meantime they are rudely skintight and the world can see the enormous size of my undies.   At least big pants are in.  Apparently.
It’s been five years since I paid any attention to my fitness, so the time has come.  
Luckily I do enjoy exercise classes.  The music and my general lack of co-ordination are all the distractions I need to complete a class without collapsing.    So yes, enjoying it helps but you can take it too far – hello, lady in my old Body Combat class who wore army fatigues and had stripy camouflage paint on her cheeks.  You took it too far.  It was a little bit scary.
The gym is not supposed to be humiliating.  The brochure says that all fitness levels are welcome.   Maybe it was my choice of class, but that was up there with “I keep slim by chasing after my children” for whoppers.

The first class I went to was Total Abs which I thought would be full of mummies like me in tracksuits.  But no.  Let’s see: there were two lycra clad women in no need of such a class; there were three ripped, twenty packed, male model body builders; then there was me in my too-small trackies with my muffin top hanging out and an undies line not just visible but unmissable.  Oh goody.

Reminding myself that I might be a bit squishy but I have a personality, I got my mat and headed for the back of the room.  No worries.  Sadly, what I thought was the back was the front.  So I found myself not only fronting the class, but with a mirror in front of me.  So everyone in that room could see not just my arse hanging out of my pants, but all the wobbling in front too.  

For a warm-up we had to run on the spot.  That is not fun when your feet land and you feel your bum come down a second later.  Especially with a roomful of athletes watching you from behind.   Then I could barely do the excercises.  Amazing how you can go beetroot red just by flopping yourself down on the floor, arms and legs spread out like a starfish.

The final humiliation?  The fact that all the excercises depended on you squeezing your abs.  Squeezing or not squeezing, I can’t feel mine at all.  It’s as though my children used my abdominal muscles as sustenance during pregnancy.

But I’ve bought the clothes, so I’ll keep going.   I’ll let you know when they fit a little better.

(Sorry about the formatting!! Seems that the paragraphs don’t like each other, so they’re spacing themselves 20 paces apart.)

34 thoughts on “Outsmarting the Heathrow Injection

  1. oh my…I hate working out in front of people so kudos to you for being brave enough to join a gym, I couldn't do it! Good luck with your fitness quest, I find working out to be a fun way to relieve stress. And a very funny post to boot!!

  2. Ooh you have reminded me what a slacker I have become on the exercise front since I started blogging. Hmmm, quite tempted to go shopping for kit though!

  3. My favourite in an exercise class is Mr 40 something, single, in too short shorts who stands right at the front and kicks higher, jogs faster, bends further and whoops louder than everyone else. Ewww. Think I'll stick to blogging rather than jogging

  4. I cringed for you reading this because getting stuck in the front of the class like that would totally happen to me! But good for you for sticking it out!
    (and sometimes Blogger has been spacing my paragraphs like that too no matter what I try to do … very annoying)

  5. Go you, I have no desire to go to the gym at all ever, which probably is why I am going to have a heart attack at 50 and leave my children very annoyed at me. Keep it up I'm sure it'll get to be fun eventually :0)

  6. Life would be so dull if you you weren't able to laugh at yourself. Loved this post, it did make me giggle as I think everyone has been in this position at some point.
    Keep at it though as the results are worth it in the end, promise!!

    Thank you so much for the lovely comment left on my blog, it was really nice of you to stop by and hope you will again. It's a struggle at times but it is life to us so we try and make the best of the hand given. I also have the ability to laugh at myself too so often more lighthearted when i'm not having a super venting session.

    Loving your blog so will be back for more. Thanks for finding me!

  7. And now my picture is underneath the title 'what a great looking bunch'. Most gratifying. If only my face weren't under a magazine in my picture …

  8. love your post!! Sounds like exactly the kind of thing I'd do, like if I could find the motivation to get to the gym in the first place…. but I feel self concious doing wii fit exercises in front on my 2 toddlers!!
    Good on you for going, and more importantly for staying! Great post 🙂 x

  9. I have SOOOO enjoyed all your comments, thanks everyone! What an encouraging bunch.

    To those of you very sensible people who prefer the couch, I will happily make a fool of myself on your behalf.

    And Fran you ARE good looking. I can tell from your typing.

  10. I wish I had you to go to the gym with – well done for persevering. I'm such a wuss I make do with the kid's trampoline as no-one can see me (and yes, I had caesereans so no worries there….).

  11. How awful – I am blushing for you just reading it! (Perhaps your paragraphs were trying to get away from what you had just written…too embarrssing!)

  12. This cracked me up. Why does everyone in the gym always look like they don't need to be in the gym? And don't tell me that's because they GO to the gym. No – there should be SOMEONE in the in-between stage. Where's the missing link? 🙂

  13. At least there's only a one-second delay from your feet landing and then your body coming down. I've been doing zumba and my bum is all over the place – never quite in time with the rest of my body and most certainly not where it ought to be.

    BTW the paragraph thing always happens to me when I copy and paste from Word into Blogger. Your source code has loads of “apple-style-spans” in it which suggests it's probably a similar issue to what I had.

    If you don't like writing directly in the teeny tiny Blogger window, try pasting your article in the HTML view and then switch to Visual and add the links and other formatting. It works, I swear.

  14. Thank you so much for those comments, very funny by the way. Sanity Fair that is especially true, where are the semi-fit people? Surely they are out there??

    Mum Versus Kids thanks for those formatting tips. I do type straight into the blogger thingy, but I'll have a look at that HTML view then switching. I feel very technological just typing that sentence!

  15. “It's as though my children used my abdominal muscles as sustenance during pregnancy.”

    I hear that! lol. I seriously couldn't even sit up in bed after having kids, had to use the arm triangle puller-upper-er thing and even that was tricky.

    I've only just started to grow some new abs. I think. Somewhere under all the rolls.

  16. Veronica: Ah yes, the old “I'm laughing with you, not at you!” Have heard that all my life!

    Ms Styling You: I'm like you, my time at the gym is wholly dependent on if my husband is in the same country. So while last week was healthy, plenty of slovenly weeks coming up. Sadly the latter outweighs the former. But a workout in your PJs – nice one!!

    Megan: I cannot imagine someone running out of a class!! Brilliant!

    MMBB: Ah yes the triangle puller-upper thingy. Those were the days…

  17. Hilarious!!! I do a lot of exercise and am always squeezing my abs. Mine are rock hard – unfortunately they're also buried under my muffin top. But I keep on trucking.

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