Beam me up now, right now!

From the school of “don’t kids say the darndest things” come those extra special comments.  The ones that have you suddenly praying, even if you’re a true atheist, for a lovely big hole in the ground to swallow you up and spit you back out somewhere back in time.  Or for a very scientific looking beam of light to shine down on you before vacuuming you up into a fabulous day spa in the sky.  Complete with fluffy robes, slippers and a complimentary fruit platter.

Perhaps because I am a little bit evil, I do so love hearing these stories.  So I’m going to open this one up to the floor – what have been your “oh crap, did he really say that” moments?

I’ll start.  My darling three year old son took one look at the man standing next to us as we waited to cross the road,  turned to me and loudly said, “What’s he dressed up as?”   I pretended I didn’t hear him, so of course he asked me a few more times, each time louder than the last.  If honesty really was the best policy, I’d say, “Nothing darling, he’s just badly dressed.  Don’t you make the mistake of a jaunty bow-tie with an orange tartan shirt.”  But, alas, I could not.

When my friend was young, her mother softly sighed, “Thank god they’ve gone” when some guests finally departed.  They had to pop back in quickly, and (you can see where this is going, can’t you) Gill said, “Mummy just said thank god you’d gone!”

But my all time favourite is my beautiful niece.  When she was four, she was walking down the street with my sister, when they saw a cat.  My niece wanted the cat.  So began a rather noisy tantrum, with her yelling, “I want pussy!  I want pussy!”  My sister has a wonderful sense of humour, so between giggles, she would throw in the word, “cat” after each “pussy” – just to clarify things.

Over to you.

15 thoughts on “Beam me up now, right now!

  1. Love this post. A friends daughter who had just found her secret lady garden and was quite obsessed with it, who one day on a busy commuter train said sweetly to her father “Daddy, can I touch my vagina now?”

    Why is it that children's voices carry so well and so far?!

  2. Hilarious. Cats certainly instigate a lot of darndest-thing moments. Ana likes to shout 'huge poo!' at our neighbor's cat, Nemesis, because that's exactly what he does on our lawn…

  3. In the bakers: “That lady should NOT be eating that Mummy, she needs to get some exercise and eat cucumber or she'll DIE! That lady, Mummy, that one. The FAT one!”. Thanks, 3 year old son. Or, “Can you not use your legs or are you lazy? I sometimes like my buggy but I am little, not old” to a man in a mobility scooter. Thanks, 2 year old daughter.

  4. So many moments. The time my eldest asked me if I'd be dead when I was as old as that (not very old) lady over there. The ongoing pointing out of poo. The can I get my willy out now conversation. Ah well, I'll just remember the moments and remind them of it when they are teenage. Call it my revenge!

  5. My sister, aged about 10ish, got a static erection, not a static REaction! Oh, the howls we still have over that one 15 years on! Am loving the story about you niece, thank god your sister has a sense of humour otherwise it would have been mortifying

  6. ok, laughing till I'm crying here. I just know when I log off all the cringeworthy things will come to me but all I can think of was right now was on Sunday when my husband asked me where the Sound Muffins were (he meant the Ear Muffs I'd just bought for my 9mth old). That made us laugh…

  7. V funny! Just adding to the willy theme, as my son likes to find out the gender of pretty much everyone he encounters at the moment by asking 'have you got a willy like mine?'. I have perfected the universal wry smile/shoulder shrug/shake of the head/fast getaway manoeuvre to deal with these situations.

  8. That is HILARIOUS!! And I do have a story along those lines… I was with my four-year-old niece recently and I'd told her I was busting to go to the loo. Enroute home we bump into someone I don't know very well and start having a polite chat when my niece butts and loudly announces to this person that I really really need a toilet. The conversation didn't last much longer as you can expect… 🙂

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