If your current address has the words “space station” in it, you might not be familiar with the Twilight saga. I am a committed but awkward Twihard, and as a service, I will now attempt to deconstruct the first two books / films in one medium-sized post:
Bella wears flannel shirts and in spite of this, is stunning. She meets the handsome Edward. He has very pale skin which feels cold. She googles “pale cold skin” and realises he is a vampire. Drats. So she says, “You’re a vampire” and he says, “Yup” and she goes, “Oh well.” They are officially a couple.
There is a vampire called James who can cock his head really quickly at awkward angles. He wants to eat Bella. So Edward’s family kill him. Now James’ girlfriend Victoria wants to eat Bella. I hate it when my partner’s family’s murder victim’s girlfriend wants to kill me slowly, just hate it!
Edward thinks to himself, “Deep down my family and I want to eat my girlfriend. That can’t be right.” So he chucks Bella. Bastard. As if the threat of imminent death is reason enough to break up with someone. I know someone who dumped his girlfriend because she didn’t find Spinal Tap funny. Just thought I’d mention it.
Bella feels sad. She becomes besties with Jake. He cheers her up with his good bone structure and scarily white teeth. He loves her. Then he discovers he’s a werewolf. He looks nothing like Michael J Fox in Teen Wolf but no-one minds. Jake never wears a shirt again.
Like a Shakespeare play, there’s a good old fashioned miscommunication when Edward is told Bella is dead. He’s had it, it’s been over a hundred years and he doesn’t want to play any more. Unable to kill himself, being immortal and all, he goes to Italy where he’s hoping the Head Vampire Honchos will do the honours. Bella hears this and rescues him just in time. It’s exactly how my husband and I got together.
There is a big fuss over whether or not Bella should be turned into a vampire. Basically all the vampires are for it – we won’t want to eat her any more, hurrah! – except Edward. Then Jake reminds Edward of a treaty that says his family can live there peacefully unless one of them bite a human. My what a pickle.
Meanwhile, Victoria is still trying to kill Bella.
Everyday stuff, really, and all very believable until you get through Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. For in Beaking Dawn a baby is named by joining the names Renae and Esme together to make Renaesme.
And that would never really happen.