Well it turns out that bathrooms have feelings too. I’m currently having a fight with mine, and let me say in this public forum that mine is a vindictive bitch. Which is very brave of me when my bathroom isn’t online and can’t read this.
When we first moved in I had a great giggle at it. You would have too. I thought I was laughing with the bathroom, not at it. There are shells glued to the walls and for added whimsy, plastic snails stuck to the mirror. If rooms had feelings, wouldn’t you think this one had a sense of humour? Turns out I was confusing humour with bad taste. It’s a very fine line.
Never mind the maroon fixtures, the stickers on the windows pretending to be stained glass, the beige tiles with the odd floral thing, the peeling lino floor, pine ceiling and occasional mysterious brass knobby thing sticking out from the walls. I thought it was great. “Come see our bathroom,” I’d trill, “The decorator was being ironic!”
With hindsight I should have known this bathroom was not to be messed with. When you see a toilet with not one plunger but two beside it, you should know here is a room that means business. But oh no, silly me goes through life thinking everything is a joke so ha bloody ha.
The loo is having a great time at my expense. Whenever the plumber leaves, it goes, “You want to flush? Seriously? The answer is no. Who’s laughing now?”
For good measure it has now started to leak. The plumber came back. Again. He will come back to replace the loo in the next week or so, but until then “You’ll just have to keep emptying the bowl that’s collecting the leaking water. If you want to go out for the day, tie the ball in the cistern up with some string.”
Emptying the stupid bloody bowl today I hit my head on a mysterious brass knobby thing that was sticking out from the wall. It really hurt.
Then tonight when I went to have my shower, the motor sounded like the Red Arrows were taking off downstairs. The shower is an electric one, which I’ve never come across before. I still cannot reconcile pushing an on / off button while soaking wet. Electrocution, anyone? Anyway tonight it wailed so loudly that it woke my toddler.
This means war.