My Bathroom is Trying to Kill Me

Well it turns out that bathrooms have feelings too.  I’m currently having a fight with mine, and let me say in this public forum that mine is a vindictive bitch.  Which is very brave of me when my bathroom isn’t online and can’t read this.

When we first moved in I had a great giggle at it.  You would have too.  I thought I was laughing with the bathroom, not at it.  There are shells glued to the walls and for added whimsy, plastic snails stuck to the mirror.  If rooms had feelings, wouldn’t you think this one had a sense of humour?   Turns out I was confusing humour with bad taste.  It’s a very fine line.

Never mind the maroon fixtures, the stickers on the windows pretending to be stained glass, the beige tiles with the odd floral thing, the peeling lino floor, pine ceiling and occasional mysterious brass knobby thing sticking out from the walls.  I thought it was great.  “Come see our bathroom,”  I’d trill, “The decorator was being ironic!”

With hindsight I should have known this bathroom was not to be messed with. When you see a toilet with not one plunger but two beside it, you should know here is a room that means business.  But oh no, silly me goes through life thinking everything is a joke so ha bloody ha.

The loo is having a great time at my expense.  Whenever the plumber leaves, it goes, “You want to flush?  Seriously?  The answer is no.  Who’s laughing now?”

For good measure it has now started to leak.  The plumber came back.  Again.  He will come back to replace the loo in the next week or so, but until then “You’ll just have to keep emptying the bowl that’s collecting the leaking water.  If you want to go out for the day, tie the ball in the cistern up with some string.”

Emptying the stupid bloody bowl today I hit my head on a mysterious brass knobby thing that was sticking out from the wall.  It really hurt.

Then tonight when I went to have my shower,  the motor sounded like the Red Arrows were taking off downstairs.  The shower is an electric one, which I’ve never come across before.  I still cannot reconcile pushing an on / off button while soaking wet.  Electrocution, anyone?  Anyway tonight it wailed so loudly that it woke my toddler.

This means war.

16 thoughts on “My Bathroom is Trying to Kill Me

  1. Fran I just googled it and you're right, today is National Toilet Day. So not a good day to declare war on one's toilet.

    Actually, in case anyone reading this wants to know, it's a day to publicise the fact that over 2.6 billion people do not have access to basic sanitation.

    Hmmmm. Am now feeling guilty for complaining about mine!

  2. Don't feel guilty. Some bathrooms are born bad and more should be written about them.
    We saw one in a house for sale one time, it had black and white tiles, forest green walls, pine panelling and a bright red tub, basin and loo.
    It looked aggressive and so stubborn. No way were we going to take that on.

  3. It does sound like a very dodgy bathroom. And I have lived with some hideous ones in my time. When I first met The Farmer he was living in an old fibro (not cute at all) with a horrible leaking outside toilet.

    I hope the plumber comes back soon.

  4. Having just visited about 4 rental properties today, I'm imagining your little beauty in great detail… the ones we saw today were appalling. Why is it that people think that a blue and pink bath is attractive… in any era? And why do rental owners think that the toilet is the least important room to make over??? All my sympathy. Can't imagine how disgusting it must be to empty the toilet bowl!!

  5. hahaha! I loved this, sort of. Laughing at your expense sounds mean, now that I think about it. Well, I loved the writing and I was laughing at the humour, not the experience. That part sucks. I mean, a toddler waking shower?? No part of that is funny.

  6. The thing is, I'm really OK living with an ugly bathroom. They're kind of fun. Our bathroom in Sydney has 5 kinds of pink tile, with black fittings and a separate pink loo with shiny green walls.

    But it's a great size and has loads of potential for our dream bathroom when we get around to it. And it is FUNCTIONAL! Not like this stinking noisy germy cesspit we are renting. Argh!!

    Am quite enjoying all this sympathy though.

  7. LOVE THIS! I am imagining your bathroom personified as 'cat-bin lady' – sweet on the outside but hiding an evil streak inside. I am now going out to buy my bathroom a present for being so good.

  8. haha, I am sorry to say I had a laugh at the expense of the trouble you're having with your bathroom. The house I live in now had a death bathroom when we moved in. The walls were painted ORANGE and the trim was black, it looked like Halloween threw up in a 9×9 square, or pumpkins were mass murdered in the area. The toilet refused to flush in the proper direction, and once you turned on the sink, you either had to have the hand of God or an extreme wrench to shut it off. I feel your pain.

    Proud to say the room is now a tasteful cream, with a new toilet and wonderfully brushed stand alone sink. There will be a light at the end of your tunnel!!

  9. OMG Kate you're right, I have a 'cat bin lady' bathroom. Call the Daily Mail – quick!

    Kat nooone, and I mean noone, deserves to live with an orange and black bathroom. Emergency reno needed. That previous comment about me being OK living with an ugly bathroom as long as it's functional? Ignore it.

    Carrie thanks for the back-up.

  10. I love my power shower 🙂 I always thought that it's weird that the on/off switch is in the adjacent bedroom, but I guess whoever set it up did worry about electrocution as well. good for me 🙂 Except… it's not all that good when you're already in the shower and then realize that you have to walk outside and into the bedroom to make any proper water pressure happen 😐

  11. Your bathroom sounds totally evil. Perhaps call an exorcist to chant 'the power of modern plumbing compels you' at it a few times. Ditto on electric showers–they are creepy.

    Good luck.

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