These Celebrities Annoy Me

A part of me felt a little bit mean writing this.  Famous people have feelings, and no-one likes having nasty things written about them.  But then I got over it.

So here is my listography post of “Top 5 Celebrities I’d Like to Punch.”

Christina Aguilera
So you’re listening to one of her songs.  It’s a catchy tune, and she has a decent voice.  You find yourself enjoying it.

Then, suddenly, you can hear her decide she isn’t showcasing her talent enough.  A second later, her singing turns into the most hideous vocal gymnastics ever inflicted on ears.

If ferrets could sing, I imagine that’s what one would sound like if it was desperately trying to escape from a locked box.  I asked her about this**.  I said, “Christina, I’d like to know why you torment me with your attention seeking version of singing scales?”

“I think the female body is beautiful…”  Errr… right. “…and I use my sexuality to empower women.”

Of course.

She then stripped off to some leather chaps and writhed around in some mud.  I didn’t even realise there was mud in the room, but it turned out to be quite handy for throwing at her.

**In my imagination. 

Piers Morgan
I’ve never seen him on TV, but having read his column in one of the Sunday papers, I’m so glad I haven’t.  I don’t have any of his columns that I can copy for you, so will make a bit of one up so you get the idea:
So then Kate Moss spotted me and ran straight over.  “Where have you been?” she purred, rubbing my chest.  She’s always doing that.  I had to explain how busy I’ve been just being famous and extricated myself.  Of course who should find me but Liz Hurley.  Again!  She accidently-on-purpose rubbed her breast against my arm and told me how attractive, clever and witty I am.  Just then the phone rang – it was Naomi Campbell.  “It must be terribly hard for you to walk, Piers, with your extraordinarily large genitalia.”  What can I say. But thankfully I have several really expensive sports cars that take me where I need to go.
Mariah Carey 

The fact that she only allows one side of her face to be photographed is certainly amusing.  Yet for me, the reason she makes this list is because she gave the world my favourite quote.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry.  I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

There are reports that this quote is false, but in my heart I like to think that someone really could say something so stupid.  Please Mariah, let it be true.

Gisele Bundchen
It’s usually those without children that readily offer their opinions on how to be a parent.  That’s the way the world works.  Then along comes a “supermodel” (how come it’s just models, and the occasional nanny, that get to be “super?”  I’d like to see a “supernurse” or a “superplumber”) to tell us all what to do.  How annoying.

“Some people think they don’t have to breastfeed and I think, “Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?”  There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”

Thanks for that Gisele.  I’ll be sure to tell my friends who struggled with breastfeeding so much it had them in floods of tears a few times a day.  I’ll tell all those whose babies are thriving on formula that they are – gasp – feeding their babies chemicals!  Surely not!

To top it off she proudly said of her pregnancy, “I only gained 30 pounds” and her labour “didn’t hurt in the slightest.”  Oh fuck off.

People confuse us all the time.

Shane Warne 
He was fantastic on Kath & Kim.  If you love cricket, then you’ll tell me how wonderful he is.  And apparently, he is a lovely bloke for a chat.

But to many of us,  Shane Warne is the classic Man Who Has Affairs With Women Identical To His Wife.  Just put your mobile down, Shane.  Those racy texts are more undie-sniffer than they are sexy.

Your thoughts?

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