Lessons from Hollywood: How to Get a Man

Be a musical nun who can fashion play-clothes for seven children out of your curtains.

Carry a watermelon. Learn to dance. Sneak out of your parents cabin when it’s raining under the proviso of “they’re having charades in the lobby.”

Be half fish.

Ditch the full skirts and bobby socks. Wear leather pants so tight the world can see what you just ate. Make your hair super big and sing while pouting. It’s electrifying.

Be an animated Disney princess. Simple.

Don’t miss your train.

Stalk some guy you happened to hear about on the radio, despite the fact that you’re engaged. For reasons no-one can explain, he won’t find this creepy.

Don’t be political, opinionated and Barbara Streisand.

Don’t fit in with the crowd. For this to work, you must have great bone structure and an amazing body under your daggy, baggy clothes. Get a makeover set to music where you lose your glasses and buy lycra. He’ll see you in a different light. Ah men, such fickle creatures!

Drive a ticking time bomb while looking good and making clever quips.

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