The One About the Sex Book

I recently had an email from a publisher asking if I’d like to review a new book called 100 Hot Sex Positions by the aptly named Tracey Cox.

Of course I spent the rest of the day feeling rather smug. I must be some kind of sex expert! How did they know this and not me?  The clue was in the fact that I have two children – therefore I have done it twice. Oh yeah. Two times.

I hesitated before responding. I don’t tend to like reviews, and I was concerned about attracting perverts. But then it occurred to me that if you are an undie-sniffer, wouldn’t you be on a very different website?   Besides, sex is a wonderfully important part of life. So I said yes. Or to keep in the general spirit, I said “YES!!”

Plus I am partial to a free book.

If my chiropractor could see me now…

The publisher had seen my post about being a 1930s housewife for a day, and suggested I do something along the same lines. Was she suggesting I try all 100 positions in the one day? Why, everyone in the suburbs these days is having sex several times a day while standing on their head. Didn’t you know? What have you been doing?

The book promises a “healthier, happier sex life with minimum effort on your part.” It details positions “that really work” which is such a relief. I’m sick of those positions that don’t work. Like standing back-to-back… don’t try it. It doesn’t work. It also includes photos of tanned, nimble couples with very detailed instructions. Some of the pictures are action sequences for “advanced lovemaking.” Am I the only one wondering if the models are really doing it?

Am I also the only one who really wants to draw speech bubbles on the pictures?

This book is designed so you can decide what you’re in the mood for, and flick to that section – heartfelt, steamy, show-off or temptingly torrid. I wish I thought of those chapter names. When was the last time you said “temptingly torrid?” Headers (questionable word choice in this context) include “Be a Better Bonk” and “Saucy Sex Tricks.” Be honest, you’re at least a bit curious, aren’t you? And if I said to you that positions detailed include “the love lever” and “the fabulous 5 stepper” I’m sure you’re racking your brains to identify them.

It also has a checklist at the back, so as you try each of the 100 positions “that really work” you can tick them off. Smug sex expert prowess will ensue. Top tip! Once you complete your checklist, leave your book open at that page somewhere really obvious. Make sure guests see it. Then encourage a whispering campaign by saying something like, “Oh, this old thing… sorry but I really don’t like to talk about my sex life” and before you know it you are known as local sex gods.

This is a book designed for couples after extra sparkle, and pretty much anyone who likes a good shag.  Obviously if you’ve sworn yourself to celibacy might I suggest you buy yourself a nice craft book instead? I hear tapestry is the new knitting.

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