That Step Too Far

You’re at a restaurant, and you duck off to the loo. You wash your hands. You use the hand-dryer – which always helpfully tells you to “dry your hands in a rolling motion.” Thanks.

If you’re like me, you’ll enjoy the hand-dryer. It’s warm. It dries your hands. Let your mind wonder, and you might think how nice it would be to have a body-sized one you could step into after your shower at home.

That, for me, is where it ends.

But someone has taken this a step further.

Friends, I give you the bum dryer:

If you’ve spent time in Japan, you’re thinking, “So? What is a toilet if it doesn’t heat up, massage your arse and dry it too?” I know this because I’ve been there. I have struggled with the computerised loos where all the instructions are in Japanese. In Osaka I even used one that was a robot singing disco clam. Where was my camera?

But this is the UK.

I know bidets are an everyday thing for many. Maybe they all come with bum dryers now, I don’t know. There’s a maroon bidet in this house, but it hasn’t been used since 1642. The timing of this ad is perfect though, with Mothers Day in the UK just around the corner. It promises a “relaxing clean with water” so let’s all hope for a gentle water spray to ease our stress. Prefer some pampering? There’s no need for a facial, for this toilet “completes your personal pampering programme.” I don’t know about you, but when I day-dream about being pampered, a jet of warm air downstairs isn’t the first thing that leaps to mind.

I think this has taken a great idea too far.

Another case in point: I like sparkly things. Someone has taken this further and come up with the vajazzle… thanks Mrs Woog for bringing this to my attention.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about – a vajazzle is when you have a Brazilian, and replace your lady garden with glitter and crystals. Designs include hearts and flowers. Men need not miss out though, for there is also the pejazzle. Worryingly, there is “junior jazzle” and while I’m not entirely sure what that is, I don’t want to know. There are loads of places you can get this done, one is through The Vagina Designer. I just had to mention that. Sorry. But you do have to admit, it’s good use of rhyme.

What do you think? Too far?

And this is not on the topic – but anyway – whose bright idea was it to first eat honey? “This just came out of a bee, I’ll give it a go…”

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