It seems that everyone at work has done some kind of detox. There’s the group cleanse where hopefully you don’t have to hear about other people’s “eliminations”, juice diets of varying degrees and so on.
One workmate was telling me about this a-maaaaaaaz-ing five day juice fasting detox she did. “I’ve never taken drugs in my life,” she trilled, “but Day 3 of my detox was so amazing, I know what they must feel like!”
Helen explained that she was planning on doing another one, and that she had extra supplements left over from the last time she did it. She offered them to me. So I did the obvious thing – I hastily agreed to do this with her, without giving any thought to what I was actually getting myself into.
She kindly gave me all the supplements, with labels like “Shine!” and “Cleanse!”
She handed me a list of recipes and instructions for the week. I thanked her, read through it, and in what can only be described as the most blatant case of unawareness I have ever experienced, I was looking forward to it. I gushed to my husband about how healthy I was about to become. He rolled his eyes and said something about me being a bitch when I’m hungry (in my defence, I’m rarely hungry thanks to pre-emptive eating).
I wrote out my shopping list and my husband, what a gem, offered to do the shopping for me. He probably just wanted a break. Sure he missed a few things off the list (“Did you get my cacao nibs?” “Are you fucking serious??”), but any man who goes out to buy chai seeds and goji berries for his woman is awesome. (On a sidenote, I do take serious issue with this whole superfood thing. Kale is a perfectly nice, leafy veg – and that’s it. Quinoa is a filler – that’s it. Let’s not get overexcited people.)
Monday was Day 1 and I started the day by following the instructions perfectly. As soon as I woke up, I made a drink of warm water, juice from half a lemon, sevia “to taste” (I think not) and supplement that smelled of dogshit. I drank it and nearly threw up.
I followed it up with my supposed breakfast smoothie. This was made with almond milk, berries, soaked chia seeds, another supplement which could have been dried bile and coconut oil.
I couldn’t drink it. I mean I physically could not ingest this sludge.
After gagging my way through a quarter of it and chucking the rest away, it was time to take the kids to school. When I came home I was pretty hungry, so I checked out what I’d be making for my morning “snack” – using the word very loosely there.
It was to be another juice with lemon, two more supplements that actually want to kill you they are that nasty, stevia and Himalayan rock salt – which I didn’t have on account of my husband refusing to buy it on principle.
And that’s when it occurred to me.
Food makes me happy. I love it. And if I was to die the following day, my last day on earth would have been spent drinking this shit.
So I made myself an egg on toast, had a cup of tea – and felt great. That night as I had my hot chocolate before bed and lamented by lack of willpower, my husband suggested I was still detoxing, just supplementing the juices with my regular food. And ignoring the juices. And supplements. I like the sound of that.
To those of you that can actually do a five day juice fasting detox, I think you’re amazing. Really, I do. How on earth you managed to get past the first three hours is beyond me.